I never thought much about people who sat still for too long. I could never get over call centers or desk jobs - where all you do is sit. It never made sense to me to just be so stagnant. It's what I would call a slow death. But as I'm taking a sabbatical right now to reassess my future, I'm forced to sit still. I'm forced to face the silence. I gotta be honest; this sitting still shit is overrated.
I tried the mindful meditation - but I live near an airport, and every day the small, expensive private jets blaze over my house - knocking all "peace" and quiet out of my head.
For the moments I'm able to forget myself - I feel my body relax. My heart slows, and I can no longer feel every electric signal moving throughout my veins. I ask myself, "Is this peace? ". But as soon that moment comes, I am jolted back to reality by whatever nonsense my brain has decided I need to focus on. I start to wonder if I am purposefully avoiding the silence - if somehow my psyche knows that if I sit still long enough, I'll ask the proverbial question that those without any place to be ask; What the fuck is my purpose?
This thought brings me down a rabbit hole of psychoanalytic bullcrap - where I overcomplicate describing things. I start to analyze myself with microscopic details. Consider the following paragraph my attempt to explore my decision-making process. Fair warning, it's full of convoluted misanthropic nonsensical tropes. It's an inner monologue with my conscience that happens whenever I sit still.
" I consider myself analytical. Not in the unfeeling - screw your feelings, methodical way - no. I definitely have emotions - they're generally well kept. I think before I speak most days - but I am quick-witted, and I do show my temper more than I'd like to. Generally speaking, I think I'm pretty mean if I'm honest. But if you ask those around me - they'll likely say I'm a very kind person (but they're on my good side). Truth be told, I'd do anything for people I care about. If I like you as a person - I'd go to the moon and back to protect you. But I generally dislike most people.
The issue I face is one of obsession. If I have something to obsess over or about, my feelings are less extreme elsewhere. But the moment I sink my teeth into something that is even remotely intriguing, I become obsessed with perfecting it. How can I amplify your greatness? It's a weird combination of submissive traits with a dominant attitude. If it's a person, place, or thing - I have to know everything about it. I don't mean fatal attraction vibes - so spare me that stereotype; no - I mean I want to understand it, dissect it, pull back the layers under it, and expose it for what it is. Believe me, this is never out of malice or respite; this is simply because I have this overwhelming desire to know things - it is the unknown that I cannot deal with.
If this is true...then why is it so hard for me to become obsessed with me? To look inward? To understand whats the root of all these thoughts? I recommend therapy to most everyone - but I never recommended it for myself. I consider myself free of baggage and trauma. I have no daddy and mommy issues. I have never experienced anything that I couldn't handle. So why the hell do I feel like I need therapy? "
I leave the thoughts more confused and puzzled than when I started down the journey. I answered nothing in my own head - with nothing. But as each day goes on, I learn a little more about myself. Sometimes you have to sit still.
I have come to the conclusion that silence is where fear festers. I fear moving forward, but I also fear sitting still. I'm not sad or angry or any of those things. I'm bored...and well, you know what they say about idle hands? It's the boredom that kills you - not the silence. The silence is just as loud, if not louder than fear...
Seriously though - thinking this fucking much is giving me a headache...
My inner voice sounds pretentious compared to the lackluster vocabulary I have when speaking to me in person. I wonder why that is? If you were to put your inner voice on paper - would it sound anything like the way you present to the world?
Who the hell knows...
- See Ya Space Cowboys
